Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote. This has been a trying year to say the least.
I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 in late January. We were ecstatic. I was due October 4 of this year. I had my first appointment with the coordinator in late February which was nothing more than a discussion and blood work. All of which was normal. I had the first ultrasound 2 weeks later. My husband, baby D, and I all went into that little room. I couldn't see the screen from where I was but I could see the tech's face and my husband's and knew something wasn't right. The tech mentioned that I was much earlier than I thought I was (I should have been 9 weeks at the time). I knew there was no way as I knew exactly when my last period was and knew about when I ovulated. The baby was showing at 6 weeks and had a weak heartbeat. Another round of blood work was done. That came back normal.
Two weeks later I went back for another ultrasound. Husband and baby D couldn't make it as baby D was sick. It was then I received the worst news I could ever think of, our new baby had passed. I was now 11 weeks. I was going through what they call a missed miscarriage. Meaning, my body still thought it was carrying healthy pregnancy and had not realized that the baby passed. Thus I still had all the symptoms, my belly was growing, and my beta counts were good. Luckily I was also scheduled to see my OB that same day as it would have been the appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat.
I had sometime in between appointments so I called husband and let him know what had happened. I've never felt so alone. I really wish he could have been there. I went back in to see my doctor. I was nervous, would she have just said sorry about your luck? Would I have to have a d&c? Thankfully my doctor was really good with the situation. We discussed everything and she really took the time to make sure I didn't have any additional questions. She also didn't push a d&c or the medication to induce the miscarriage. In fact, she really didn't mention them much at all. I was sent home to miscarry naturally.
The actual miscarriage took almost 2 more weeks. Lucky for me, it started on a Thursday night and I was working from home that Friday. The miscarriage took 4 nights to complete. Unfortunately Friday night I ended up in the ER thanks to too much bleeding. However, it was found that my body was compensating well and a blood transfusion was not necessary. Again I was sent home to finish miscarrying.
As part of the plan with my OB, I had weekly blood draws to watch my beta levels drop back to negative. That took weeks. I can honestly say I am no longer afraid of getting blood drawn/needles.
The emotional aspect of my miscarriage was something else. I've been sad, I've been angry, I've questioned everything I did during the pregnancy that could have caused something to go wrong… It has been a rough roller coaster.
In all honesty, I never knew what a miscarriage was like. I never thought about the emotional aspect of it. I really never knew what it was like going through the physical aspect. I have a new respect for anyone who has gone through one.
If you know anyone who is going through a miscarriage, give them extra hugs. Please watch what you say around them. Hearing that maybe baby is better off as it could have been really sick does not help whatsoever. Remember that the healing process takes weeks. The pain of the loss never goes away. It gets easier to deal with in time, but it never goes away.
